It’s ‘that’ time of the year again. It always seems to be ‘that’ time of the year. Edinburgh Fringe wakes up for another year. The monster’s skin tightens and the players are attracted in their 1000’s in an attempt to slay the beast and rid it of her power on the land. To reveal the pink belly in us, the grim, the joyous, the valuable. There are millions of shows basically.

But who do you see?

With such an insane plethora of shows on offer, it’s impossible (and stupid) to see everything. Luckily for you, the Green Milk Men have put together their definitive list of ‘must-see’, ‘must-smell’, ‘must-taste’ (but don’t touch) shows at the Fringe this August. Get your snorkel on and dive the fuck in to our Edinburgh Fringe 2017 Recommendations List.

Best Free Shows Edinburgh Fringe 2017

Looking to save on cash to spend at the bar? ‘Course you are. Well that’s alright, we don’t mind, we’re not your accountants. And just ‘cos we’re a couple of lovely lads we’ve created this list of our top free Edinburgh Fringe 2017 recommendations. Take it easy swoldiers and have a drink for us.

Richard Todd (Ol’ Toddy) is a comedian we love. Everything about his visceral style of storytelling is compelling to be a part of. He returns to the Fringe with his second show, promising to highlight his aches, pains and unique voice.

Laughing Horse @ The Counting House (13:00)

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John-Luke Roberts: Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair! (All in Caps)

John-Luke Roberts has a wonderful knack for memorable and inventive Edinburgh Shows. He has a strong cult following and it’s easy to see why. Deeply twisted characters and a ‘proper good’ stage presence makes him always entertaining and ‘proper funny’ to boot.

Heroes @ Monkey Barrel (14:20)

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Pat Cahill: The Fisherman

Any show of Pat Cahill’s is always a delight to witness. It’s like he reaches into a smooth, velvet bag and pulls out a concept that demands intrigue and anticipation of his audience. His finely crafted shows must be seen with all eyes. I’ve never been fishing. Maybe we could go together?

Heroes @ Monkey Barrel (14:50)

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Christopher Bliss: Writing Wrongs

Legendary author Christopher Bliss returns for his second Edinburgh show. What he doesn’t know about writing, isn’t worth knowing. If you missed his debut last year, then where the hell were you? Huh? I mean, come on! Wonderful wordplay from great character comic Rob Carter.

Voodoo Rooms (14:55)

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Sunil Patel: Titan

You hear ‘it’ a lot. You hear ‘it’ about a lot of comedians. “I predict big things”. Most of the time, people just say it because they have nothing else to talk about, or they are hungry, or they might be upset. I dunno. However, when it comes to Sunil Patel, we can really see it. His incredibly deft delivery is so affable and always charming to watch. See him now! It’s free, idiots.

Laughing Horse @ The Counting House (15:35)

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Olaf Falafel: The Marmosets of Mind

This guy is really silly. Tres silly – in another language. A gag heavy show that won’t give you any time to catch your breath. Olaf Falafel is Sweden’s 7^th funniest comedian keeps you guessing and always constructs an enormously imaginative and entertaining show.

Laughing Horse @ The City Cafe (16:15)

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Ben Target’s Orangeade

A physical comedian. A tour de force. You know a Ben Target show when you see one. Target always manages to produce a show that feels ‘different’. He is a fun, playful performer, much beloved from audiences and comedians alike.

Heroes @ Dragonfly (17:00)

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THE WISECRACKERS: PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEW SLAG

This zany sketch trio have been going for 5 time-consuming years now. 5 years and over 5 audience members later, they are still going and who could blame them. Critics have described the aptly named Wisecrackers act as “padding” and “unnecessary”. They play at the very unpopular time of 11:45, in a room where the rumble of trains kills any sort of atmosphere.

@ The Bobcat (11:45)

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Lady Parts

A one-woman show by talented and agentless actress Claudia Bates. After graduating from RADA in 2016, Claudia aims to take the Edinburgh Fringe by storm in a self-processed ‘dark comedy’. A show with bite, that isn’t afraid to “go there”, one that establishes herself in the comedy scene once and for good.

@ The D Venues (17:00)

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John Kearns: Don’t Worry They’re Here

This is no big news. If John Kearns is putting on an Edinburgh show, you better believe people will flock to see it. Miserable sheep. He is a total original and this show (if you can get in) will be worth it. It’s dubbed a free show, but no doubt you will have to book it in now for a fiver. Reap the benefits.

Heroes @ Monkey Barrel (17:00)

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Joey Page: Pretty Boy

Joey Page was on an episode of coach trip. I have browsed the internet for hours trying to find it, but to no avail. He is a loveable idiot, whose creativity (and stupidity) is always on show. He continues to hone his act into something always uplifting and genuinely worth-while. Top Man.

Laughing Horse @ The Counting House (18:00)

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Jordan Brookes: Body of Work

Boy howdy! Do we like this guy. If you are up at the Fringe this year you won’t see a more innovative performer. Jordan Brookes’ previous two shows have been an utter delight, utterly hilarious, utterly miserable. He is the contorting, squidgy face of brilliance. Do us a favour and go see this guy will ya? 

Laughing Horse @ Finnegan’s Wake (18:15)

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Spencer Jones: The Audition

The secrets out. Spencer Jones’ character, The Herbert, is pure joy. He draws a lot of comparisons to Mr. Bean, not just in style but in quality. The Herbert is a character made of playful and childish silliness. There isn’t a more heartening experience then seeing his shows.

Heroes @ Monkey Barrel (18:20)

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Mat Ewins Presents Adventure Man 7: Return of Adventure Man

Mat Ewins’ comedy makes my knees hurt. His homemade animations and videos are just a stupid genius. The kind of stupid that makes you want to spit your teeth out with the lols. He is phenomenally creative and every show he makes is beautifully crafted from a surreal and distinctive mind. Total, beautiful nonsense.

Heroes @ The Hive (20:45)

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Luke McQueen: The Boy With Tape On His Face

Luke is a refreshing breath of air to the comedy scene. The breath, which also is very hot and smells funny, is a breath you trust. His breath pokes fun and his brave concepts never fail to make us laugh. The Boy with Tape on His Face – definitely gonna be a stupid show.

Heroes @ Monkey Barrel (22:40)

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Sean McLoughlin: You Can’t Ignore Me Forever

Sean’s gritty. Sean’s a real human. He has a proper ‘voice’. This is what audiences, as well as comedians, love in him. He has always been destined for big things and his shows over the years never fail to disappoint.

City Café @ 18:45

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Anna Morris: Bitchelors

Anna’s show last year was praised by critics. A character comic with real intrigue and flair. Her show this year – ‘Bitchelors’ – is sure to be a wonderful array of hilarious bitch characters, capturing the essence of ‘bitch’. If you’re a bitch, then it might be worth popping along and seeing what kind of bitch you are. I want to be a bitch, but I know I’ll never be as bitchy as that girl who lives next door and puts on far too much make-up. Bitch.

15:10 @ Voodoo Rooms

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The Best Paid For Shows Edinburgh Fringe 2017

For those of you with more than a bone in your body, these paid for shows are our top Edinburgh Fringe 2017 recommended shows for a reason! Well worth parting with your hard earned cash for.

Tony Law: Absurdity For The Common People

Worth every penny. This has to be one of our favourite comedians ever. Tony Law. T Bone. T Money. Time Zone. The Law. Toned in. His absurdity is a thrilling ride and if you’re not on board he will leave you in the dust. Go see the nonsense train and then go for lunch. We love this man.

The Stand Comedy Club (12:00)

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Bec Hill: Out of Order

Bec Hill is back at the Fringe after a year break. The festival just isn’t the same without her crafty and inventive comedy. She has a brain that squirts out some of the funniest stuff you will see. I don’t think it’s a condition, but we wish her well. Go. Watch. Enjoy.

Gilded Balloon Teviot (17:15)

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Sleeping Trees At The Movies

For the last three years the Sleeping Trees boys have constructed three totally amazing shows. Each one is set in a movie genre and each is as delightful as the last. Mafia? Western? Sci-fi? You decide. Their performance style is out of control and well-rounded with a one-man band. The most entertaining shows at the fringe. See all three.

Pleasance Dome (17:30)

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Lauren Pattinson: Lady Muck

There’s a lot of buzz about Lauren. Which must be a bit annoying for her, but it isn’t without justification. An upcoming comic who’s got the funny bones and natural flair that makes her so watchable.

Pleasance Courtyard (17:45)

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Evelyn Mok: Hymen Manoeuvre

A highly anticipated debut hour for us. Evelyn’s act is really reminiscent of all the comedy America is producing at the moment. It’s daring and downright funny. She’s a risk-taker, but at the same time has such staggering control and confidence.

Pleasance Courtyard (18:00)

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Jon Pointing: Act Natural

Another debut hour, another talented performer. Jon’s show is being produced by Liam Williams’ company ‘Fight in the Dog’, which is already quite high praise. As seen in ‘Pls Like’ (if you haven’t watched it, watch it!), Jon is a gifted comedy actor, which is exactly what this show will touch on.

Pleasance Courtyard (19:15)

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Joseph Morpurgo: Hammerhead

Here at Green Milk HQ, we are very excited about Joseph Morpurgo’s new show. We maintain that his last show in 2015 – ‘Soothing Sounds for Baby’ – is one of the best hours of stand-up we have ever witnessed. From what we have seen of his new show, it is going to be a cracker. One of the best comedy brains out there. An amazing performer and writer and guy and person. Thumbs up.

Pleasance Courtyard (20:00)

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Jenny Bede: Eggtime

Jenny Bede’s got it all. Every time we see her perform it’s astounding just how good she is. Her performances always blow the room away and her lyrics are spot on. A natural entertainer and we’re sure this show will be one of the best at the Fringe.

Pleasance Dome (20:10)

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James Loveridge: Suspiciously Happy

James Loveridge is probably the most ‘mainstream’ act we have included on our list. Which is certainly saying something. His observational brand of comedy will leave you crying with laughter. His amazing and unfortunately true stories have to be heard. He’s a real nice guy, real great comic and loveable to the bone.

Just the Tonic @ The Mash House (21:00)

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GOODBEAR

A hot sketch duo. Goodbear are making sketch comedy fun and not in wanky way. Their nicely written gags match perfectly with their versatile and confident performance. They’ve just got the funnies. Some people do, some don’t. There is always a lot of sketch at the festival, but these guys are our top tip.

Pleasance Dome (21:40)

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Adam Riches: The Inane Chicanery Of A Certain Adam GC Riches

I don’t know, mate. You just got to go. You have got to go see Adam Riches. A legendary act. He oozes originality and quality. He ropes in the audiences like no one else and dispatches them in a wild flurry. Top, top act. This has to be the show to see this Fringe. Pure entertainment.

Pleasance Dome (21:45)

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Fin Taylor: Lefty Tighty Righty Loosey

Fin’s our boy. His show last year was insanely popular and almost impossible to see. I’d book early for this one. Fin is a really talented writer who has finely captured the sense of the time we are living in. In this show he slates the ‘left’ and the ‘right’ and everyone in between. No other act feels as relevant as Fin McFin (Fin Taylor).

Just the Tonic @ The Tron (22:20)

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Patrick Turpin: Itty Bitty Little Titty Piece

Patrick Turpin gives us a six-pack. Not through intensive personal training, but through a more unconventional technique of laughter. He loves to find the funny in the silliest and strangest ways. He also loves fine-dining, but who doesn’t?

Underbelly Cowgate (22:40)

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Fern Brady: Suffer, Fools!

She’s bloody Scottish. She might be the only Scottish comedian we are recommending this year. Is she? It doesn’t matter, I’m way too busy and drunk to backtrack now. Fern Brady is an exciting comedian who looks perfectly home up on stage. Her angsty rhythms are cathartic and she is a pure joy to watch.

12:05 @ The Stand

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Pierre Novellie

Pierre by name. Pierre by name. Pierre is his name and we endorse his namely product. Be swept up by the control at which Pierre crafts his sets. He is astute and carries his material with a lovely, weighty intelligence. Funny and tremendously executed jokes. His name is Pierre.

21:45 @ Pleasance Courtyard

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Phil Wang: Kinabalu

We love Phil Wang. The Wangatron, as he likes to be called (he doesn’t), is a force that just keeps giving. After a very successful introduction into TV, he is on the up and up. His new show ‘Kinabalu’ is sure to be utterly delightful. Go see it at all its various times. Also, Phil is also reviewing all the Asian restaurants in Edinburgh. Make sure to check that out too.

17:45, 19:00, 22:45 @ Pleasance Courtyard

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Tom Walker: Bee Boo

We don’t know much about this guy. But we like that. His show has arrived in Edinburgh as a ‘Melbourne Comedy Festival 2017 Best Show Nominee’. He is meant to be unique, silly and weird. We don’t just hope it’s weird, but gross too. We hope it rains shit or something, or maybe he turns himself inside out. Worth a look for sure.

20:00 @ Underbelly

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Phoebe Walsh: I’ll Have What She’s Having

Life huh? What a drag. You either on the train or you’re not. Wrong. We’re all on the train guys and Phoebe knows its destination and all the stops. Trains aside, Phoebe is exciting performer with an edge. She’s alternative and just what we like. Go see her show about life and trying to figure it all out.

21:30 @ Pleasance Courtyard

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And so concludes Green Milk’s Edinburgh Fringe 2017 Recommendations. Pretty bloody banging list really. Think you know any better? Leave your nonsense in the comments below big boy.

Well, it might seem like we should have done this weeks ago, but we didn’t, so now we are which makes you thinking that fairly redundant. Ooo, that came across a tad more bitchy than it was meant to…

Let’s start again.

Hey, have a seat, take off your shoes and take a sip of that mimosa you sassy, sexy super sweet sort, you. The fourth Green Milk took place on election night, which meant that it wasn’t as great a turn out as most, what with all the little hearts that had to be broken by thinking that their vote even mattered. Of course, being Londoners we forgot that the rest of the country is full of self centred conservative prats, but, well, that doesn’t matter any more as we sit back and watch our society crumble and those in the public sector get royally buggered.

That said, here are some pictures of what you forlorn dreamers missed out on, or didn’t miss… depending on whether you were there or not.

Opening was the fabulous musical comedian Rob Carter, who can be seen below crooning to his baying audience.

He also came wearing a ‘Justin Bieber’.

Seemingly angered by the fact that life is even a thing, Ahir Shah’s brand of no holds barred comedy shouted its way through to everyone’s childhood memories.

This was taken just before he dropped the mic and exited stage left.
 

Joshua Ross tried out a new stance, which was rated a 9.2 out of 10 by our panel of stance judges, losing points for his angular thumb placement.

His more traditional stance was received well, but not perhaps as well as  he might have imagined it to be. His jokes were funny though.

In walked the bearded, be-wigged, Matthew Kelly who tenderly read out childhood memories.

Here Matthew reminisced about that time he won a Judo competition. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house that night.

Orry Gibbens’ grin charmed the pants off of every one in the room, looking like he shat in the Queen’s purse.

Here he was telling people about how much he hated them, that smug, sexy bastard.

Then it was over to Lou Sanders who decided to read from a book for a while. It was a lovely book though.

Also this.

So as you can see it was a bloody excellent night full of beautiful, smart, funny and creative people, unlike the voting booths which were filled with sunken eyed, engorged liver, bottom feeders. You don’t want to be one of them do you?

No, I thought not. So you better come along to our next night…

#5 GREEN MILK PRESENTS: PAT CAHILL 4th JUNE 2015

Just when we thought the world was about to give up on us; that the light was finally fading on our spectacular of special comics, we’ve been revivified by those beautiful people at Time Out comedy once more!

How?

Our fourth foray into our nights of celebrated madness has been made Time Out Comedy Critic’s Choice!

Well, it would be a crying shame not to, what with the unbelievable roster of comedians that we have on this night. From the effortlessly cool cat Lou Sanders and her surreal approach to life’s inaccuracies, to the ‘New Comedian of the Year’ Joshua Ross, Matthew Kelly’s rejuvination, Ahir Shah’s cerebral flights of fancy, Orry Gibben’s morose masterpiece and, of course, Rob Carter’s dulcet tones.

It’s a symphony of comedic voices all screaming from the doldrums of London’s grey paved streets – or the basement of the Pipeline bar in Liverpool Street, depending on how poetic you want to get with it.

So once you’ve voted away your freedom in the polling station, and as the next privately educated white man takes the reigns of this country, embarking on a 4 year spree of lies and greying hair, come and have a laugh and forget all about all those horrible, horrible things that go on in the world.

#4 Green Milk Presents: LOU SANDERS 

We done gone and done it, ain’t we!? Our next night showcasing the talents of Liam Williams has been made Time Out Comedy’s Critic’s Choice. Oooosh. Back of the net, etc..

We can’t say we’re too surprised… the line up is simply scintillating, with the erudite Yorkshireman supported by a cracking line up of special guests including Bobby Mair, Beth Vyse, Olaf Falafel and some surprise acts too!

A night that promises to be the best of the bunch in central London, we’re extremely proud to showcase some of the more alternative comics on the scene, offering great talent at affordable prices from our central London venue!

It’s more than just a little bit tasty, and we can assure you that the tickets will be going fast, so if you’re on it for a night of superb stand up come and grab your tickets quick!

#3 Green Milk Presents: LIAM WILLIAMS & GUESTS

We’ve been going through our fan mail recently and we just want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all the kind words that you’ve all said about how excellent we are and how much you like us! It really means a lot coming from you all. Thanks.
 
However, as we trawled through all the letters, there was one topic that kept coming up time and time again, which we have to profess we aren’t exactly experts on yet, and so we thought we’d let the headliner of our next night, Lou Sanders take over the reigns and show you precisely how you can also be a millionaire!
 

 

 

 

I hope that helped. Bye.

Birdman? More like Birdfan.

He just can’t help himself. Whether it’s over his morning coffee, or as he lies shivering in his girlfriend’s sweet embrace, Michael Keaton simply can’t stop thinking about birds. 

Though not often caught on film, here we have 13 classic moments in which Micael Keaton was thinking about birds, when really he should have been doing something else.

That time he was supposed to be thinking Bruce Wayne things, but was wondering why birds can’t have the same rights as people instead.

That time he was supposed to be doing an interview, but instead remembered the summers day on which he saw his first Eagle Hawk.

That time he was supposed to be giving an awards speech, but couldn’t stop thinking about the wingspan of the Great Egret.

That time he was being interviewed by Jimmy Fallon, but he was suddenly struck by thoughts of two spiralling Black Winged Kite.

That time he was supposed to be popping to the shops to buy milk, but couldn’t stop thinking about how small the mouths of birds actually are instead.

That time he was supposed to be commentating on a race, but he started thinking about how cool it is that birds simply exist.

That time he was asked what his favourite number is, but he was really waving at a Robin.

That time he was showing off his new neck, but he had a flashback to a Mexican standoff he had with two Egyptian Vultures.

That time he was trying to read Dr Seuss, but instead wondered whether he could make his eyebrows look like wings.

That time he was at a casino and he started thinking about how he would flirt with a bird if he saw one.

That time he was driving a car and started the regurgitation process for his nest of Starling.

That time he should have been kissing the hottest woman on the planet, but he was struck by the realisation that birds don’t have chins.

That time he was at a funeral and he got the idea to put bird stickers on his glasses so whenever he looked up he could see birds even if it was cloudy.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you made a film with like 400 lions and tigers and just like punched them and rode a motorcycle around them a lot? Well wonder no longer, because they’ve made it…

Now, your next question might be, “why did they make this?” But that’s a ridiculous question because the answer is obviously, because it was hilarious.

In what was perhaps the most thrilling piece of television to ever have happened in the whole Universe, last night saw the long awaited revelation of Lucy Beale’s killer. Akin to Darth revealing he’s Luke’s father and Bruce Willis being dead inside the whole time, you are probably still recovering from the biggest shock of you life.

If you’re anything like me then your mind is awash with a whole heap of unanswered questions  – what was Bobby Beale holding? How could that tiny little orphan overpower a grown woman? Is this some practical joke for Comic Relief?

Maybe we’ll never know. But, as last night’s episode split at the seams we were treated to a whole world of mind blowing revelations. I counted 6 proper bigguns.

1. Dot Cotton Is The Biggest OG In Walford

Dot Cotton didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose her. What else could she do? Nick was tweaking hard and mans can’t be allowing that – not when you’re Walford’s original gangster – you got a rep to uphold. The boydem was all sniffing around her bi’niss anyways so she has to do the heartless and straight up murder her own son. Ain’t nothing to Dot who has been popping off extras for the last 20 years anyway.

Now she’s doing time in the yard, Dot will be receiving oaths of fealty and 20 packs of Dunhill from her Holloway prison bitchez. Maybe she’ll go all Crazy Titch and go hard on a mixtape she made with her PS3. All we can say is #FreeDot.

2. Kathy Beal Is Back From ISIS Training

Looking like she’s just stepped off of the set of Spooks, Cathy Beale last night revealed that she has actually been in Syria for the last 5 years getting up to all sort of shenanigans with those boys at ISIS. Now she’s back and hell bent on pulling a Damian Lewis and murdering the Prime Minister. There’s just one thing stood in her way.

Phil.

Phil wasn’t happy about Cathy going to ISIS for some reason and thinks that it’s a bit dread that she is going to try and kill David Cameron, because as much as he’s a dick, he’s kind of done alright – and certainly a better job than Gordon Brown was doing. In their shock meeting by a burger van, Cathy reveals that her phone has the codes to blow up the Houses of Parliament, which is big news. Will she do it though? Not if Phil has anything to say about it.

3. Adam Woodyatt Is Actually An Alien

Yep.

4. Richard Blackwood Lives On A Diet Of White Roses

In what was probably the weirdest thing that the writers of Eastenders have come up with, Richard Blackwood came out and confessed that he did indeed, “survive solely on a diet of white roses he gets from Interflora”. When pressed on the issue he, rather defensively, proclaimed:

“Look, I don’t judge you for eating Rolo’s or, like, pigs and Peregrine Falcons or whatever you weird crackers eat, so why you gotta judge me on what I eat. It’s the 21’s century, you people need to get off my case already.”

So we will… But what does he mean by, “you people?!”

5. Ben Mitchell Is Peter Parker

Just as Cathy was explaining to Phil the merits of Jihad, Ben felt something. A darkness erupting in the ether. A cosmic force awakening. For the first time in his life he realised that he was actually Peter Parker, who is actually SpiderMan, who is actually Andrew Garfield, who is actually Tobey Maguire, who is actually the son of Satan. Weird, right?

6. Ross Kemp Has Better Things To Be Doing

With the veritable cacophony of stars making their appearances in the last week, we were basically only missing Wellard and Grant. However, with the tragic news that Wellard never really existed and was actually a really weird mass hallucination that went on for aaaages coming out last week, it’s only really Grant that didn’t turn up. So what did Ross Kemp have to say on the matter?

“Look, you big fat fuck, I’m so over EastEnders. Don’t you know that I’ve got better things to be doing now? I was in Ukraine the other week. On the front line for fuck sake! And you want me to come back to that shit hole square and act like I could give a shit about all those fake ass bitches. What do you think I am? Some kind of poser bitch? SMH – tell that faggot Phil he sucks dicks. Peace up A-town down bitch.”

 

Which, if I’m honest, answers a lot of questions I’ve had.