In what was perhaps the most thrilling piece of television to ever have happened in the whole Universe, last night saw the long awaited revelation of Lucy Beale’s killer. Akin to Darth revealing he’s Luke’s father and Bruce Willis being dead inside the whole time, you are probably still recovering from the biggest shock of you life.
If you’re anything like me then your mind is awash with a whole heap of unanswered questions – what was Bobby Beale holding? How could that tiny little orphan overpower a grown woman? Is this some practical joke for Comic Relief?
Maybe we’ll never know. But, as last night’s episode split at the seams we were treated to a whole world of mind blowing revelations. I counted 6 proper bigguns.
1. Dot Cotton Is The Biggest OG In Walford
Dot Cotton didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose her. What else could she do? Nick was tweaking hard and mans can’t be allowing that – not when you’re Walford’s original gangster – you got a rep to uphold. The boydem was all sniffing around her bi’niss anyways so she has to do the heartless and straight up murder her own son. Ain’t nothing to Dot who has been popping off extras for the last 20 years anyway.
Now she’s doing time in the yard, Dot will be receiving oaths of fealty and 20 packs of Dunhill from her Holloway prison bitchez. Maybe she’ll go all Crazy Titch and go hard on a mixtape she made with her PS3. All we can say is #FreeDot.
2. Kathy Beal Is Back From ISIS Training
Looking like she’s just stepped off of the set of Spooks, Cathy Beale last night revealed that she has actually been in Syria for the last 5 years getting up to all sort of shenanigans with those boys at ISIS. Now she’s back and hell bent on pulling a Damian Lewis and murdering the Prime Minister. There’s just one thing stood in her way.
Phil wasn’t happy about Cathy going to ISIS for some reason and thinks that it’s a bit dread that she is going to try and kill David Cameron, because as much as he’s a dick, he’s kind of done alright – and certainly a better job than Gordon Brown was doing. In their shock meeting by a burger van, Cathy reveals that her phone has the codes to blow up the Houses of Parliament, which is big news. Will she do it though? Not if Phil has anything to say about it.
3. Adam Woodyatt Is Actually An Alien
4. Richard Blackwood Lives On A Diet Of White Roses
In what was probably the weirdest thing that the writers of Eastenders have come up with, Richard Blackwood came out and confessed that he did indeed, “survive solely on a diet of white roses he gets from Interflora”. When pressed on the issue he, rather defensively, proclaimed:
“Look, I don’t judge you for eating Rolo’s or, like, pigs and Peregrine Falcons or whatever you weird crackers eat, so why you gotta judge me on what I eat. It’s the 21’s century, you people need to get off my case already.”
So we will… But what does he mean by, “you people?!”
5. Ben Mitchell Is Peter Parker
Just as Cathy was explaining to Phil the merits of Jihad, Ben felt something. A darkness erupting in the ether. A cosmic force awakening. For the first time in his life he realised that he was actually Peter Parker, who is actually SpiderMan, who is actually Andrew Garfield, who is actually Tobey Maguire, who is actually the son of Satan. Weird, right?
6. Ross Kemp Has Better Things To Be Doing
With the veritable cacophony of stars making their appearances in the last week, we were basically only missing Wellard and Grant. However, with the tragic news that Wellard never really existed and was actually a really weird mass hallucination that went on for aaaages coming out last week, it’s only really Grant that didn’t turn up. So what did Ross Kemp have to say on the matter?
“Look, you big fat fuck, I’m so over EastEnders. Don’t you know that I’ve got better things to be doing now? I was in Ukraine the other week. On the front line for fuck sake! And you want me to come back to that shit hole square and act like I could give a shit about all those fake ass bitches. What do you think I am? Some kind of poser bitch? SMH – tell that faggot Phil he sucks dicks. Peace up A-town down bitch.”
Which, if I’m honest, answers a lot of questions I’ve had.