Adam Riches once spent a night fighting a walrus in a cave on the outskirts of Sutton. Did you know that? I bet you didn’t know that. Very few people do. But, sorry Adam, the secret is out now for the world to see. Great deeds committed by great men should not go unknown.
“What happened?!” I hear you all cry out in unison from my 5th dimensional timeless highchair.
Well, it started out like most Sundays do. A vial of inexplicable, but all-encapsulating ooze discovered on the back of the number 80 bus to Belmont. A couple of Snickers and a passion for epistemology. It was here that Adam Riches found himself in writing a letter to the late, great philosopher Bertrand Russel, the contents of which mostly covered how glowy the goo he found was.
As a side note, Bertrand was never to receive this letter due to what, at the time, was known as the best bloody party Barnstaple had ever seen. The Royal Mail Postal Worker, as they were known back then (or known now if you’re me and exist beyond your juvenile comprehension of time), had gotten his rocks off with a woman known affectionately as Slidey Suzie. This name was on account of her propensity to slide down the legs of most men in the Barnstaple area. Slidey was doing her thing on postie’s lap when she slipped a little to the left and caused the patella of the mailman to come bloody unstuck. I mean really bloody unstuck. Oh god, I can see it again right now, playing out for all eternity. Oh god, it’s gross. So bloody unstuck. He was hospitalised for 8 weeks, and used the letters as a pillow on account of the hospital being shabby. Not shabby chic, Lawrence. Just a bit poor and pillowless. 8 weeks of headtar caused each letter to stick together in an incomprehensible mash of love notes and tax bills and blonde hair.
Well, that’s why Bertrand didn’t get the letter.
So Adam Riches is sat there, writing his letter, when all of a sudden the bus breaks down and he finds himself turfed out on Muschamp road. Here a strange thing happened. He found himself in a cave with a walrus. And he had to fight it all night long.