The days seem to endlessly drift into one another. Nights become nothing but the slow blinks of your eye lids and the urge to breath becomes a lacklustre attempt of your body to remind you that you’re in this for the long haul.

That’s what happens when you drink normal milk anyway. In our documentary below you will see that our Green Milk has made it possible for Robin to enter into another dimension. Of course, you can’t actually see this, because obviously that’s impossible to capture on film, but you can certainly see that that’s exactly what’s going on.

Don’t worry, though. You’ll get to experience it yourself at some point if you’re lucky and make it down to our comedy night at the Pipeline. Or are you afraid of interdimensional travel and laughing and having a good time? You are, aren’t you?

And I’ll tell you another thing. Why would we be making Green Milk if it wasn’t good for you? What would be the point of that? You need to stop calling here, ok kid?! We’ve had enough of your shi…

Oh, hi. I didn’t see you come in there. What? This? Oh, I was just going to cut some bamboo out back – it’s been growing wild recently and the machete is the easiest way of getting rid of it.

What’s the word of the day you ask? It’s inculcate. As in I am going to inculcate this child with the hell fury in which I was born, breaking only to eat crumpets, swig dried milk flecked tea and answer my Tinder messages. Well what else are you going to do on a weekday afternoon?

No, that wasn’t a rhetorical question, I just want to know. Please leave your answers in the box below and I’ll reply to every single one. Or not. I don’t know. It’s Tramadol Tuesday at my Mum’s house and we don’t even own any bamboo.

Let yourself out.

Blood pouring from your face for 24 hours would normally be a bad thing, however, there are exceptions and this is one of them. Plus if you don’t like blood pouring from your face that doesn’t make you very metal which is totes lame, man.

I remember when I was a younger, more toothy man, I found myself drifting lazily along the banks of the canal minding my own business, thinking about trucks or something, when I came across a young woman sat on the bench, headphones on and eyes fixed on the rippling wake of a barge. I approached her without hesitation and said, “excuse me, m’am, but can you please tell me where I can find some crystal meth?” She did and that’s when my teeth started falling out.

But don’t worry about that now, it’s day force of the Green Milk Challenge, and Robin is fitter and healthier than he, or I, have ever been.

Did you know that, if you don’t get the problem looked at, your brain is probably 95% toxins? These toxins are the cause of insomnia, that ringing noise in your ears and those children’s screams that you just can’t shake off until you’ve had your first coffee in the morning.

Worse than that though, these toxins have been known to mingle with the words if your head and can often transform into the lowest of the low – slam poetry. In rare cases, people have been known to lead good, wholesome and enjoyable lives – have children and jobs and know how to make moussaka – only to wake up one morning and decide to throw away all of their dignity and perform at slam poetry nights in Notting Hill. Can you imagine dealing with such horror? Worst of all, they don’t even realise there’s something wrong until too late.

Thankfully our science department has worked extra hard to ensure that our Green Milk can rid you of something like 100% of these toxins. Hail Hydra!

Day 2 of the challenge and our test subject friend and colleague Robin is experiencing the useful effects of Green Milk, such as re-memory – a process by which you remember things that you hadn’t though of for many, many years.

This is because Green Milk re-links your brain cells and causes you to re-experience those things that happened to you as a child or teenager, whilst otherwise normal dairy drinking folk might be wasting their time by doing stuff like sleeping or eating.  In fact, if you calculate the amount of time that the average person can remember by drinking our products, you will notice that we do in fact double your life! DOUBLE! And who wouldn’t want that, Dairy Council?!

Just another one of the re-invigorating effects of consuming Green Milk.

We’ve received a lot of emails from avid dairy enthusiasts and Wright Stuff watchers keen to know more about the health benefits of our delicious new delirium, Green Milk. As you are probably already aware, we have gained a lot of press from the National Dairy Council who are trying to slate our products because they’re scared of change. But we’re not scared of them, or their team of lawyers.

So as part of our counter-suit, one of our lovable team members has taken on the Green Milk Challenge in order to demonstrate just how good our products will make you feel. Be prepared, you’re about to witness the true form of man.

Have you ever locked eyes on someone when you were trying to avoid their gaze, only to end up in some kind of perpetual reality? This one time I didn’t snap out of it for 26 years and when I did I had to fight a lion and there were these two kids there and my parent’s shoe factory had closed down. It was a real tough time for me.

Thankfully these two only got stuck for ten minutes, but even that can feel like an eternity.