Just when you had forgotten just how creepy Michael Jackson was, another behind the scenes shoot comes to light. This time the gremlins that live inside cameras caught Michael and his gang up to no good on the streets of Lancaster, harassing women as it was his wont to do.
It’s a question that I often find myself waking to in the delirious hours of the early morning. Palms sweating, breaths short, my loaded gun pressed firmly to my head, my wife and child cowering in the corner whilst outside the dog barks solemnly. Rhythmically.
Thankfully there’s one man who had the courage to ask the question and demand an answer. Hank Hill, a man we all know and love as the saviour of the propane gas accessories market, a man with the kind of arse that could weld steel, took a stand for all of us as you can see in the dramatic retelling of his life below.
We’ve heard the song for years, its whiny French cawing somehow permeating into the collective unconscious, and had always thought that it was just Parisian for YOLO or something. Now, however, using modern technology and state of the art sonic visualisations, Bec Hill has managed to translate Edith Piaf’s “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” for the first time ever…
Bec Hill translates “Non Je Ne Regrette Rien” (Edith Piaf)
You can come and see the wonderful Bec Hill on Thursday the 4th of June At Green Milk Comedy!
Here’s the video of Snatch Wars that you’ve been looking for soldier:
You may have thought that Brick Top got done in by the pikeys at the end of Snatch, but did you actually see him die?
I don’t know, because I can’t remember it at all, but I bet you didn’t.
You see, the thing with Brick Top is that he’s a ‘orrible bastard who, once he was struck down, only became more powerful than you could ever imagine. Like Obi Wan Kenobi.
But unlike Obi Wan Kenobi he didn’t go on to have a career as a mysterious voice in the sky, and became Darth Vader or something like that instead. Though, where Vader had to kill his own children and come up with a whole new tax system, Brick Top didn’t because that would have been SO boring for him, and as we all know he is a man who doesn’t like to be bored because of all that back story that Shane ‘$$$’ Richie gave us – and yes, I know he’s been busy since he took over the Queen Vic, but that’s not really an excuse now is it, Ricky?
So, without much further ado, here he is, back in action in what can only be described as a ‘Tour De Ford’, as the Masked Magician!
I know what you’re all thinking. Did Robign die in those 7 days that he went missing for? Did he always have a silent ‘g’ in his name? Did Amelia Earhart really discover America after being told to avoid the Bermuda Triangle by Stonehenge?
Well let’s start at the end and work our way back.
1. Yes. It is a little known secret that Amelia and Stonehenge were really good friends who text each other like alllllllll the time. And as we all know Stonehenge made the earth so of course it knew about America before everyone else did. So one day Stonehenge was bored of America never being talked about on Sky TV, and decided to have the whole Sky Atlantic thing happen because he was dead keen on the Game of Thrones show happening so he sent Amelia off with a packed lunch and a map.
Oh, also he turned the Bermuda Triangle off for a bit so that she could get there safely, because he was cool like that.
Anyway, Amelia found America and was totes excite to come back and tell everyone so she got back in her plane to come over here and get the ball rolling. It was somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, when she was Whatsapp’ing her home boys, that she accidentally dropped her phone into the sea and had to retrieve it. Unfortunately that was the same time that a big thing like from Pacific Rim came up through the ocean and ate her so now she lives inside of it. Stonehenge has blamed himself ever since and taken a vow of silence, which explains that whole thing too I suppose.
3. Not physically. But some say that he never did recover from that illness. But then again some modern doctors say that illness doesn’t really exist, but then again some people say that we don’t even exist or that Pokemon isn’t real so you can’t trust people really.
It’s every young boy’s dream to play for their favourite football team – to smell the crows and find fish deep in the wells of their hearts. But for most children this never happens.
Instead they end up going to a big scary high school where they develop insecurities in droves. Red brick buildings where they watch their peers’ faces seem to slowly grow longer and uglier by the day and their bodies under go changes known as ‘publicity’. They find subjects that they’re good at, or are tormented by the lack of an intellectual faculty and get convinced by adults that they need to pay taxes or do word searches in order to feel complete.
But in life there is no completeness. No sanctity. Nothing but the endless dibble of time all over your fleshy outer layer.
Green Milk can change this. Travelling through dimensions opens up all the options you could possibly need. In our latest documentary, test subject 005 has encountered Fulham manager Felix Magath who has helped him play out his childhood dream of playing football on the big stage. So kids, ditch school and make your dreams happen for yourself! Don’t let people hold you down and force you to drink their overpriced J2O’s any more!
*DISCLAIMER: Green Milk must not be drunk by children under any circumstances, it will make them turn inside out.
Following our theme of, well, of R Kelly, Robin’s brief trip to another dimension has resulted in his assimilation into what can only be described as ‘the greatest song never told’.
Some people say music is the language of the soul and never has that been truer in the case of this medley between our test subject and the R’n’B artist, perhaps best known for peeing on a young girl, or his Hip-Hopera ‘Trapped in the Closet‘.
In brief clips from a documentary of his life, we see R Kelly in a boxing ring in red whilst everyone else is in black and white and waving American flags. I guess it’s some kind of metaphor for golden showers and how he likes to wee on the poor, but I can’t be sure.
Remember when R Kelly pee’d on a girl? No? It seems not many people do.
(ED note: legally this is as much as my lawyer will allow me to say)
Well, regardless, he managed to bounce back and, having created the first Hip-Hopera and blueprint on how to combine wardrobe fittings, repressed homosexual euphemisms and high drama, you could almost be forgiven for saying that he can wee on whoever he wants to.
I mean, I’d be pretty annoyed if he wee’d on my dog or my mum – I don’t think any form of harmonious R’n’B/rap melodrama could get me to forgive him for that.
Anyway, live up that early 2000’s nostalgia that only 90’s kids will get 80% of the time below and forget about that niggling longing for company that festers inside of you:
People always say, “I’m giving up ‘giving up'”. But no they’re not, they’re not giving up anything. What they’re really doing is making themselves sound better to themselves. It’s like sitting on the tube with “A Brief History of Time” in order to make yourself look better. Pretending that that beautiful bespectacled woman with flowing red hair thinks that you’re anything other than a smarmy jobless fraud whose day is determined to be ‘good one’ dependent upon the amount of likes you got on that Viz comic you shared.
She’ll never go home with you. She’ll never ween you off all those Peperami and Guinnesses, and take you to that health food shop in Stoke Newington. You’ll never buy her a sweet little dress in a vintage shop and surprise her with it by hanging it up on the back of your bedroom door. She’ll never check that lump on your back that may or may not have grown a little in the last couple of months. She won’t even remember having seen your pretentious face stuck in that book.
But none of that matters. No! Because I’m not a quitter. I’ve got her address and have watched enough YouTube tutorials on how to pick locks. Speaking of which, here’s a video about a magical day called ’18’.