People always say, “I’m giving up ‘giving up'”. But no they’re not, they’re not giving up anything. What they’re really doing is making themselves sound better to themselves. It’s like sitting on the tube with “A Brief History of Time” in order to make yourself look better. Pretending that that beautiful bespectacled woman with flowing red hair thinks that you’re anything other than a smarmy jobless fraud whose day is determined to be ‘good one’ dependent upon the amount of likes you got on that Viz comic you shared.

She’ll never go home with you. She’ll never ween you off all those Peperami and Guinnesses, and take you to that health food shop in Stoke Newington. You’ll never buy her a sweet little dress in a vintage shop and surprise her with it by hanging it up on the back of your bedroom door. She’ll never check that lump on your back that may or may not have grown a little in the last couple of months. She won’t even remember having seen your pretentious face stuck in that book.

But none of that matters. No! Because I’m not a quitter. I’ve got her address and have watched enough YouTube tutorials on how to pick locks. Speaking of which, here’s a video about a magical day called ’18’.